Marry- Go- Round!

I have been dating since I was 18, but if you count my Sunday school boyfriend it was 15. In the past 6 years I have interacted with and reacted to dozens of men. A few have been more memorable than others. After my first heart break I turned into a serial dater. Not wanting to commit, finding fatal flaws, and keeping a man in the wings--there was always a back up.

This dating schizophrenia started quite innocently (it always does) when I was 21. I was trying to get over my first love and threw myself into dating. I had a goal of one date a month, soon enough I was racking up more than one date a month and my self-confidence gained a bit of a boost. Well, of course things changed, although I didn't realize it at the time. I complained to myself and anyone that would listen that I only attracted commitment phobes when the truth was I was the biggest commitment phobe! Any man that called me everyday, clearly didn't have a life and was trying to smother me-- something my young ass was not having any part of! So I came up with excuses as to why it just wasn't going to work out. "We are on two different paths," "this is getting to serious for me," "I am not ready for a relationship" and so on and so on.

My attitude and behavior made me an expert at catching the eye of fellow comittment phobes. I cling to them like white on rice 'cause its safe and is a lot more fun than the actual torment of a REAL relationship. I even dated a guy for 2 years on and off, as his pseudo-girlfriend-- talk about a glutton for punishment! I convince myself into thinking that I actually want and am ready for a relationship; I go on and on about the current beau in my life and how amazing that third date on the waterfront was... you know the one, where he gazes into my eyes and only sees me Yeah that one! I gush and gush, make future plans in my head and overanalyze his every single move. Why does he say "I will call you back" and then doesn't? Paranoia starts to sink in and because I've spent more time daydreaming and analyzing his behavior I forget to communicate and gather essential information from my beau. I soon discover 4 months have passed and I don't even know if he is dating anyone else!

And so it goes, around and around my dating "marry-go-round" circling around relationships that I hope will produce a future husband, but knowing I fear the committment required for a lasting realtionship. This reality hits me like a pail full of ice cold water as I realize even though I've had a string of dates, its been 5 YEARS since I've been in a committed relationship.

So here I am 26 and single, contributing to a blog that was a spur of the moment idea from a gmail chat! My name is Diaz, welcome to my world.